*As a disclaimer I should excuse the melancholy mood this entry may try to force upon you. My apologies in advance. However, hopefully you’ll see through that to view the post as what it really is; a physical (if you can call the internet physical) representation of my mental struggle to take stock of my interactions with the people who reside in my surroundings. An outlet so I can maybe shrug it off and get back to my normal, more positive postings.
I am often amazed at what people bring out in me. If you allow your ego to be pushed aside long enough, you can learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes the lessons are good, and you find that you are a stronger person than you thought. Other times it sheds light on the fact that you have a very big weakness that you may want to work on. Unfortunately, after going over recent and past events in my mind, it is the latter I have been stuck thinking about. I’ve realized quite recently that the majority of the individuals I actually consider friends, are allowed in my life because there are elements in them I feel are lacking in myself. It’s something very new that I have never done. Speaking in a broad sense, I tend to dislike being around people who share my same disposition. I am not afraid to acknowledge that I have a strong distaste for myself, so being around people too similar brings out the worst in me. Remember this fact, for it sets the premise for this story and many others.
A few nights ago while talking to a chum of mine, our conversation trailed into the topic of friendships / relationships and thus, took a turn for the serious. I began to feel sad while detailing my past and present situations and I instantly shut down and became quiet (as I tend to do). Instead of pressing me for details and asking me what’s wrong half a dozen times, he took a deep breath and asked me a dangerous question: “Gazzy, can I give you my honest opinion?”…oh shit. Everyone knows that when someone says that to you, it automatically puts you on the defensive. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be analyzed and, this particular friend is a straight shooter. Holds nothing back. I reluctantly agreed, and this is what he said to me…
“Everyone allows the love in their life that they feel they deserve. Not just relationship love, but friendship love too. You hold no value in yourself, so many others, especially those who don’t know you yet, will naturally reflect that back to you. You get used, walked on and taken for granted because YOU allow it. How many times have I seen and heard stories of people fucking you over in major ways, and playing you for a fool? You say you’re going to walk away and not allow that in your life anymore. But almost every time, you let them back in to do it all over again, as long as they spit out a quick apology… whether it is genuine or not. Unless they are the ones to cut you out, you submit to it over and over. From what I see, if someone pays you a compliment, you deny it up and down. But let someone make a negative comment about you, and you regard it as cold hard fact. You need to let the poisonous people go. You trap yourself in this melancholy state because you feel you can’t do better. It’s a vicious cycle. Why do you do that?”
I didn’t have an answer. Millions of scenes from past and current relationships came flooding into my head. It was all true. The people who are locking me in this state, are some of the people I try to hold on to most. Why DO I do that? I told him I didn’t know. Because I didn’t at that moment. Having all this time to think about it, I still don’t know the entire answer, but I think I may have some semblance of an idea.
Aside from a childhood trauma (not fit to blog about) that very obviously plays a large role in making me feel inferior, one of the main reasons I allow this is I am afraid of losing people. Even if they treat me poorly, the thought of being alone terrifies me. Um…helllooo, I wanted to be famous, how is it not obvious that I feel the intense need to be surrounded by people? But still, the scars run much deeper than that. I am normally submissive in a lot of friendships/relationships, because I like making others happy and putting them ahead of myself. But has that trait, coupled with my insecurities, become so over-blown that I am willingly allowing the people I love to fuck me over?! Quite simply…yes. It is a flaw so defined as a part of my character, that I don’t know how to begin to fix it. And if I did, I don’t know who I would be without it. I am determined to find out now though.
If any of my family is reading this, they are staring at the screen with jaws dropped. I am almost positive, that they don’t see me this way. They see me as strong, opinionated and independent. Hey family…I put up a pretty good front don’t I? 😉