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Monthly Archives: October 2012

We Didn’t Need Dialogue, We Had Faces!

Good Morning ladies and germs. I come to you today from the “comfort” of my fiberglass chair, at my work desk. Yes, I am at work…blogging. Our internet is running at the super speed of vintage 1995 and it is taking about 20 minutes to send any kind of email. So, here I sit, typing this out as I wait for another email to load. I swear, all that is missing from this equation is the connection screetch and the “welcome, you’ve got mail” voice blasting through the speakers.

SCRRRRREEEEECCCHHHHH…..

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Happy, sad, confused…blah blah. For the most part though, all has been well and good. For those of you who have been reading from the first few posts, I am FINALLY moving out of my horrible shit-hole of an apartment, and shuffling on to bigger better things. The cleaning and packing of this crappy apartment seems to be never ending though, and it is driving me to the edge of insanity. I can’t wait to be out of there for good come Friday.

Anyway, that is not what this blog is about today. Today it is about a conversation I had with my sister last night, and our conclusion about how something in our upbringing resulted in terrible personality flaws that myself, as well as my brother and sister, seem to have.

I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but we ended up joking about how many people who are close to us tend to eventually confront us about how negative we are (among other things). It suddenly became very clear that it wasn’t really a joke, it’s a pretty serious problem. Let me tell you how amazed I was that it wasn’t only me who reacts that way to situations that normal people react to in a happy way. We traded stories back and forth and it got kinda sad to me. I told her about a situation where something really great happened to a friend and I, and that person was very excited and hugged me, screaming with joy. What did I do? I got stiff and uncomfortable and downplayed the happiness of the situation like it wasn’t a big deal. My sister, on the other hand, shared a story about reading a letter my niece wrote about being excited about an upcoming trip. She said she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something negative about an otherwise happy situation. I don’t have a specific story about my brother doing this, but trust me, he does a lot as well. And it has nothing to do with jealousy at all, we do it even when something good happens to US.

“oh, you just got the awesome promotion you’ve been waiting for?..psshh, whatever, big deal.”

We kept asking ourselves why we do that. And we contemplated what was missing or broken in our upbringing that causes us to try to negate something happy. Neither of us want to be like that. We both expressed how horrible it is to realize you’re doing this and how it is affecting those around you. We tried to laugh about how when we consciously try to fix it, we feel like we are being overly nice and too fake. I gave her an example of how I question why I am not functioning normal. I will share that with you all too. This has happened on many different occasions, but this is the most recent. It may seem silly, but at the root of it, the realization sucks and sometimes makes me feel incomplete. Here we go:

I was taking a break from cleaning for a minute and popped in the movie the Devils Advocate. As ridiculous as that movie is, I enjoy it. There is a part early in the movie where Keanu Reeve’s character tells his wife (played by Charlize Theron if you haven’t seen it for some reason) good news about winning a case. She screams happily, jumps up and down, jumps on him to hug him and they kinda are just happy in the moment together.

Ok, see this face? I don’t think I’ve ever even ACTED this excited before…

Now, instead of just watching that part like a regular person, I thought, “I wish I could be that excited over something. Why can’t I react that way when something exciting happens to me or someone close to me? I want to be that person and know what that feels like..”. Let me tell you, I have NEVER ONCE, fell that excited over something. Don’t get me wrong, I have been excited over things, but it is a small smile at most and it is usually followed by what could have been better about it, or what can go wrong with it. Let me clarify too that this is not comparing my life to movies. That would be retarded. I have seen my friends react similar to this often. They have even reacted like this to news I have told them about myself, as I stood there kinda smiling awkwardly. So tell me dear readers…what the fuck is wrong here?! Do I need meds (spare me the pharmaceutical conspiracy theories on this please…I don’t believe ’em)?! Am I just hard wired to be miserable like this for ever? I don’t want that! It pushes people away.

We get this from our mom. That much is very obvious. I love my mom very much, But what sadness happened to HER to make her pass this (probably unknowingly) down to us?! I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me as a kid, don’t doubt that. But most of that didn’t begin until around age 8. So when a child’s first memory at 3 years old, is looking in the mirror and hating that reflection and being disappointed that there is nothing special looking back, there has to be something going on with the wiring upstairs.

This is what I imagine my brain doing when I act like this.

So, for the time being, I am going to make a change MYSELF. Hopefully, I can break this ugly habit I’ve been taught to have for 29 years. I felt like I just had to write it to get it off my chest, so excuse th “woe is me” context here. I promise I will go back to my normal blogs soon haha. I am open to opinions and suggestions of course…but know I’ll probably roll my eyes at them and scoff even though I KNOW they are helpful haha.. Jk.
Thanks for reading as always!

Gazzy

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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Life, Uncategorized

 

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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Hello again internet friends. It has been quite a while since my last post. I cannot even begin to explain the amount of crazy that had piled into my life over the last few weeks. Actually….I COULD, but then I’d just seem whiny and lets just not do that. I will say that these turn of events will definitely make it difficult to see the brighter side of things for a while. But anyway, moving on…

It’s October finally. The air will (hopefully) begin to cool down, Halloween is a few weeks away and, best of all, we’re one month away until elections end and I can finally go online without seeing some stupid comment or photo bashing one side of either political party. I absolutely HATE election year. No matter where you go you can’t escape the b.s. it seems. Even 7-11 has shit. While buying your cheap coffee, you can proudly pick the cup representing your candidate and act like you’re making a difference by doing so. Call me ignorant if you want, although I DO know the issues and who stands for what. I just hate that people treat this as a sporting event and act like trash talk is actually beneficial to the cause of either side. Especially this year. Everyone is so caught up on the hot gossip. “oh my gosh Romney said what?!”, “Obama forgot to address WHO in his speech?!”. Shut the fuck up. I Love you ‘Murica, but lately, you seem collectively stupid.

Exactly

Speaking of Halloween, I went to a haunted house / maze thing this past Sunday. It is the first of many hopefully, so I want to review it for your convenience. A little back story first. The BFF and I wanted to get out of the house Sunday due to the fact that we usually just slum around and, since it has been a trying few weeks for us both, figured we could use some fun. We had very little money between us both but he found a deal on his phone for unlimited access to 3 mazes for $14 bucks a person. A steal right?!… I don’t know why we didn’t see this one coming. The attraction is called “Paranoia” and is located in the Santa Monica Place mall. I know that should have been a dead give away, but the video made it seem at least somewhat promising. Look!

Well, Let me just say, that I don’t know who set this up, but it looks like it was thrown together by some high school kids. The decorations in all of the mazes are sparse. And when there is something, it is very clearly foam and rubber. The scares come from a few kids dressed in somewhat themed attire according to which maze you’re in. In the “Infirmary” there are patients…kinda…until you somehow end up in a part of a maze that looks like a living room, where there is no one there at all. The “Insomniac Clown Playhouse”…haha, what a joke. I am usually terrified of clowns, but something about the clown at the entrance posing for photos and telling people to add him on Facebook really took the horror out of it. Once inside, there were a few creepy looking clown masks, but once again, the ambiance was ruined by rounding a corner to find the clowns dancing to hip hop. Nothing really scary about that to me for some reason.

NOT scary

I think the biggest scare I got was when we exited the first maze, and one of the security staff, a 60+ year old lady, screamed “boo” completely out of the blue.

Anyway, our next planned haunted attraction stop is Delusion and, if I can muster the courage, Blackout. Both seem terrifying and from the reviews I’ve read, extremely entertaining. We will probably throw a few odd ones in the mix too just to keep it interesting. We’ll see if we can afford it with the move happening at the end of the month and all. Suggestions are welcome! 🙂

Well, Since I’ve wasted enough of your precious moments, I will bid you all adieu.

Until next time kiddies….

-Gazzy

Oh P.S.!!!! I saw a 3D movie for the first time since I got new glasses! Holy Shit…go see Dredd 3D…seriously! LMAO.

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2012 in Life, Reviews & Events, Weekend Adventures

 

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