Changing a thought process is never an easy task. Especially when it is the way you have thought since you were a kid. It has taken me quite some time to re-condition myself to not think so negatively. Both about myself, and about the world around me. I am still human however, and I tend to fall back into that sometimes. Like last week for example.
So many awful things happened to me last week, some of them only minor, others more life shaking. But when they all added up, if felt like my life had started to crumble.I fell into a pretty low place for a few days. It blind sided me a little to be honest, because this time, the people and places I normally would have gone to for support, were the very large majority of the problem. So, I started being angry again. Mostly at myself, but at the world at large as well. I started hating everyone and everything for no reason and I started questioning myself again.
This probably would have lasted months, if it wasn’t (surprisingly) for logging into Facebook, and taking a look around my news feed. I realized, about 90% of the things posted by friends that day, were negative. People posting about how stupid another group of people were for not liking what they like, or thinking what they think. Trying to make people feel stupid for liking what they like, or believing what they believe. People having a bad day due to someone else, yet perpetuating it, by taking it out on another. In it’s own way, I felt justified in bitching about things, because everyone else was bitching too. Not only that, but I felt like I was being enabled. And just as I was about to finish my post I realized…I didn’t want to be a part of that anymore.
The realization hit me so suddenly, and honestly stunned me so much, that I had to stand up and walk away from my computer for a minute. I even laughed to myself about it because it made a few things very clear.
First, I’ve been trying to force myself to hold on to friendships that I didn’t really want to hold on to. At first, I thought I was fighting because it meant just that much to me. But really, all I was doing was fighting to hold on to the people who have made negativity comfortable for me, or who have fed my anger, because I thought that was normal, or that anger and stubbornness defined who I was. I was wrong.
Second, smirk at the Law of Attraction idea all you want, but the fact that I am still here and doing exactly what I planned to do is proof that it’s legit. I not for one second doubted that I will be able to make it out here, and I did. Also, what happened to me all last week is proof as well. I let one thing after another get to me, and the more I did, the more negative shit snowballed. I didn’t really used to believe it either, until I stopped and took stock of a lot of things.
Lastly, I understand that we will all have our days, and we can’t be positive thinkers or movers & shakers every single day, that’s fine. I also, understand that we like to talk trash to each other (me especially) because that’s how we show affection, but I no longer have room in life for people who radiate real anger all the time, or who push intolerance of ANY kind. Whether it be for opposing political parties, opposing religions, opposing lifestyles..etc..etc. I need strong, positive people around me now. It has made me be who I always knew I could be, before I knew how to get there. I am a bitch, true. But it’s more of a strength, and because it’s part of the entertainment industry. That’s not anger, it’s my willingness to play the game, and still go home happy because I am able to have my dream job.
So judge and laugh all you want, but my friends and I will be laughing and having fun, while you’re stewing about how “wrong” gay marriage is, or how people shouldn’t celebrate Christmas, or how unintelligent people must be because they don’t believe what you believe. I’m done with that. I’m not going to be that person anymore.