Author Archives: AE

About AE

I am the defect in the mirror with the upside-down smile. The girl who is blind-folded and wandering, stumbling and twirling...with nowhere to go, but up.

Teenagers From Mars

Wow, has it really been almost a year since I posted an entry?! It doesn’t feel like that long, but then again, I don’t think about much aside from what’s right in front of me lately. There isn’t much time for anything else!! On with the show I guess!

Last night I was thinking about my family, and my mind suddenly flitted to my nieces and nephew, (as they often times tend to do because they are my world) and the fact the eldest, Ivy, is about to become a teenager, and is going into middle school next year. A familiar sense of dread hit me pretty hard at this moment. You see, middle school was particularly tough and awkward for me. My parents weren’t particularly keen on buying me the expensive, trendy clothes or letting me wear makeup (I wasn’t even allowed to shave my legs until 8th grade so you can image the horror of wearing shorts in gym class…), so to put it lightly, I was not considered popular by any means. Add to that some major self confidence issues, crazy frizzy hair that I didn’t know what to do with, and the fact that I liked comic books / video games, and you had a recipe for disaster.

(Like this kinda, except more nerdy)

Because of these bad experiences with middle school age kids and how ruthlessly cruel they can be, I started to have a mini panic attack about my niece. A million thoughts ran through my mind: “what if she’s picked on? , what can I do from over a thousand miles away of she is? should I warn her? But if I do I just might freak her out…AHHHH!!” My niece is a very soft spoken, sweet girl, who is way smarter than her age would suggest (im sure all aunts say that right, but it’s TRUE). So I feel like worrying is legitimate.

HOWEVER, a more pressing and sinister thought crept into my mind that I never considered until that very moment — what if instead of being picked on, she turns out to be the BULLY?!

Many of us don’t think about that I don’t think. We are all so worried about the precious kids in our lives being potentially picked on, that we don’t really consider the possibility of them being the bully until it’s too late, and you’re getting calls from the principle. I have to admit that this freaked me out a little. I had a ton of potential answers for helping soothe her tears if she came to me crying, but I have no idea how I would handle the other situation; if she became one of the people that had given kids like me so many painful days growing up. What do you say to that? Especially as an aunt.

I think of her like a daughter, I was very involved in helping to raise her, up until the time I moved away. More so than a lot if aunts out there due to some very extenuating circumstances, so I feel that I would immediately wonder where I went wrong. But what would I SAY?! I could go the tough route and act like I would smack her upside her head and tell to knock her dumb shit off, but I wouldn’t do that to her and I know that. I also wouldn’t just try to lecture her about how bullying is wrong, because she already knows that now and if she was bullying in spite of that knowledge, she probably wouldn’t listen anyway.

So how do we approach this type of subject with kids on both sides of the fence? Sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it has driven so many kids to awful lengths to escape it, and I will be damned if I allow someone to bully my family to that point, or allow my family to drive someone ELSE to that point either. It’s something I feel strongly about. I would just want to communicate clearly without scaring her, or making her feel like I’m lecturing.

I’m probably thinking too much about this, and she will probably end up just fine because she’s got a sharp little attitude that can withstand a lot, but it’s scary to think about when I’m so far from her that she may not even reach out. I wish more parents thought about this, then maybe we wouldn’t have such an epidemic.

I guess I’ll just have to think more about how to approach it. Maybe I’ll post an update of my, more than likely embarrassing, attempt to have a serious conversation with a 12 year old, I’m sure Ivy would love that 😉

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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in Life


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“Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.”

Changing a thought process is never an easy task. Especially when it is the way you have thought since you were a kid. It has taken me quite some time to re-condition myself to not think so negatively. Both about myself, and about the world around me. I am still human however, and I tend to fall back into that sometimes. Like last week for example.

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

So many awful things happened to me last week, some of them only minor, others more life shaking. But when they all added up, if felt like my life had started to crumble.I fell into a pretty low place for a few days. It blind sided me a little to be honest, because this time, the people and places I normally would have gone to for support, were the very large majority of the problem. So, I started being angry again. Mostly at myself, but at the world at large as well. I started hating everyone and everything for no reason and I started questioning myself again.

This probably would have lasted months, if it wasn’t (surprisingly) for logging into Facebook, and taking a look around my news feed. I realized, about 90% of the things posted by friends that day, were negative. People posting about how stupid another group of people were for not liking what they like, or thinking what they think. Trying to make people feel stupid for liking what they like, or believing what they believe. People having a bad day due to someone else, yet perpetuating it, by taking it out on another. In it’s own way, I felt justified in bitching about things, because everyone else was bitching too. Not only that, but I felt like I was being enabled. And just as I was about to finish my post I realized…I didn’t want to be a part of that anymore.

The realization hit me so suddenly, and honestly stunned me so much, that I had to stand up and walk away from my computer for a minute. I even laughed to myself about it because it made a few things very clear.

First, I’ve been trying to force myself to hold on to friendships that I didn’t really want to hold on to. At first, I thought I was fighting because it meant just that much to me. But really, all I was doing was fighting to hold on to the people who have made negativity comfortable for me, or who have fed my anger, because I thought that was normal, or that anger and stubbornness defined who I was. I was wrong.

Second, smirk at the Law of Attraction idea all you want, but the fact that I am still here and doing exactly what I planned to do is proof that it’s legit. I not for one second doubted that I will be able to make it out here, and I did. Also, what happened to me all last week is proof as well. I let one thing after another get to me, and the more I did, the more negative shit snowballed. I didn’t really used to believe it either, until I stopped and took stock of a lot of things.

Lastly, I understand that we will all have our days, and we can’t be positive thinkers or movers & shakers every single day, that’s fine. I also, understand that we like to talk trash to each other (me especially) because that’s how we show affection, but I no longer have room in life for people who radiate real anger all the time, or who push intolerance of ANY kind. Whether it be for opposing political parties, opposing religions, opposing lifestyles..etc..etc. I need strong, positive people around me now. It has made me be who I always knew I could  be, before I knew how to get there. I am a bitch, true. But it’s more of a strength, and because it’s part of the entertainment industry. That’s not anger, it’s my willingness to play the game, and still go home happy because I am able to have my dream job.

So judge and laugh all you want, but my friends and I will be laughing and having fun, while you’re stewing about how “wrong” gay marriage is, or how people shouldn’t celebrate Christmas, or how unintelligent people must be because they don’t believe what you believe. I’m done with that. I’m not going to be that person anymore.

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Posted by on December 9, 2013 in Life


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“I always dreamed about ruling the world, but now that I’m getting older I’ll settle for Hollywood.”

I know it has been a very long time since I last blogged, so I hope you are all fantastic! Either way, here is my a Tuesday morning rant to get me back into the swing of things.

Over the last few months or so, I have realized (and accepted), that there is no such thing as getting to where you need to be, with honest hard work alone. If there ever was such a concept, it is long dead. Showing up everyday, minding your own business, and getting your job done right is not what it takes to get ahead in a career. You need to be ready to manipulate, side step,  out smart, and out maneuver. You have to be ready to step on toes, climb over others, and leave people behind. Even in the smallest and lowest position, you have to be vicious, conspiring, cold and calculating; ready to turn on people,  or rip out a throat (figuratively of course) at a moments notice if you think for even a second that it can give you the ability to continue your climb to the top.

This part right here...

This part right here…


Those who thrive and are prosperous to the point of being considered top of their game, are there because they beat others out of the running so badly, that they were no longer even considered competition.If you believe otherwise, I commend your hope; but you have blinders on my friend.

I used to believe in honesty. In the ideal that trustworthy, hardworking people are the ones who get the pay off. That people who lie, cheat, and steal to become a leader, will be exposed and will eventually come crashing down. Well…sorry, but that’s not how the world really works…that’s just wishful thinking. My eyes were opened to that quickly. I wish I was taught that earlier on, I probably would have succeeded much sooner. Sadly, I was too worried about hurting someone’s feelings, or making someone look bad. I didn’t want to feel guilty for stealing the spotlight, taking credit where it wasn’t due, or plotting to discredit someone.

A friend told me, that life is like a game of chess. He is 100% right. Every decision should be regarded as
a tactic in order to overtake your opponent and earn your checkmate. That is how I view everything now.

I used to believe that if someone was willing to do all of those unsavory things in order to get what they want, then they can have it. I wasn’t going to fight them for it, and I wasn’t going to stoop to their level.
Know what? That’s ultimately why I struggled so long. Not anymore my dear friends. No, no, not anymore. I’ve learned this world of bait-and switch, and the rules of deceit to progress. I have learned them exceptionally well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do NOT carry this new belief into my personal life. I won’t steal from or manipulate a friend, and I won’t cheat on a significant other. There is a separation there, and that’s a line I won’t cross because I am loyal, loving, and devoted in that way. But with that said, you all need to comprehend where I stand and how seriously I take my career. That way there is no confusion later. So, a few words of caution:

1. Don’t work against me. If you want to work WITH me or FOR me..awesome. If you want to help me, great! But if I see you as a threat, or see you trying to jockey for position, I will take you out. I promise. Then, we probably won’t be friends anymore.

2. This goes for the friends and acquaintances of people I know as well. You have someone you are friends with who is in direct opposition to my ultimate goal, or has something I want to attain in a business sense? Sorry…I don’t care who they are. I will find a weakness, and exploit it without remorse in order to get what I need. No questions asked. The sooner you understand this, the better. If not, the moment it happens you’ll be upset, then we probably won’t be friends anymore.

3. I will act with tact, respect and come off as coy if needed or if I feel it will serve me well later, especially if that is what gets a person to expose a way in. Otherwise, I will more often than not, be a bitch and “bare my teeth” by being curt, blunt, dismissive, and sometimes arrogant and aggressive. Why? Because that’s how things work. Plus, I don’t have time to pretend if it won’t get me anything in the end. So if it embarrasses you or you don’t like it, keep your distance if it seems like I’m “doing business”…or we probably won’t be friends anymore.

4. If I am hanging out with you or have plans to hang with you, and I suddenly get a call or email that forces me to cut things short, cancel plans, or reschedule; or if I don’t (or forget to) return a call or an email/text…tough shit. For what I am trying to accomplish, I need to act at a moments notice. If I don’t, someone else will, and I can’t have that. So try not to whine about it or take it personally. Otherwise…well, you get the idea.

I am not trying to sound like I don’t care. I really do, and my personal friendships/relationships are important. I just felt like you all needed to be aware of a few of those very important changes in my personality because I received a bullshit remark about it the other day. Yes, I am willingly a Hollywood agent and fucking proud of it. I chose this path. It is what I have always wanted to do. You can call us sharks, vultures, scumbags, scavengers, or glorified used car salesman…go right ahead. If you think that bothers anyone who works in this profession, you’re dead wrong. We’re just gonna laugh…all the way to the bank. And nope, those words will not make us feel bad about ourselves or make us lose sleep. In fact, most of the time, those terms mean we are doing our jobs right, so fire away.

In conclusion, I’m doing what I need to for ME and no one else. My dream is my own, I am not trying to impress anyone with it. If it seems ugly to you, then look away. No one is forcing you to be a spectator, and you sure as fuck aren’t welcome as a commentator. If it seems sleazy, phony, and grimy, I won’t apologize for it. It’s the nature of the beast, so deal with it.

Above all, if I am in your presence and I say or do something while working that seems offensive to you… don’t take it personally baby, it’s just business 😉

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Posted by on May 28, 2013 in career, Life, Uncategorized


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The Earnestness of Your Creation

Well hello again bloggers and blog readers! Wow, it has certainly been a while hasn’t it? Happy late new year and all that jazz. I hope this message finds all of you well and still sticking to your resolutions (I definitely have NOT haha).

Something interesting happened to me while on the Metro yesterday and I wanted to share. It’s not a special event or anything, I am more than certain this happens to tons of people daily, but this was sheer insanity and it was very amusing. I got on the bus shortly after 4 when i got out of work. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for once I had forgotten my headphones at home, so I wasn’t listening to music. I’m not sure if that was a mistake or if that’s what helped me…but more on that later. Approximately 2 stops after I boarded, this guy gets on and sits next to me. I don’t even look up, because I was texting. A little way into the ride I hear him start to kind mumble under his breath like he’s very agitated. Saying he hates white people, and that how can a girl opt for a guy that won’t do shit for her just because he’s white and not wanna be with a “ghetto” guy that would do everything for her etc..etc. THEN, he continues to say that he’s gonna kill the formerly mentioned “whore” and her family and kids because she’s a racist bitch, all while making exaggerated grunts and sighs. Now, it is about this time when I finally look up from my phone and realize that this guy has actually been addressing ME this entire time. I was a little stunned when I realized this. All I said at first was, “what?!” . He said “you’re a fucking racist whore because you don’t like mexicans and only date white guys”. I admit I got a little offended and angry. I fired back with ” you don’t even know me. what’s wrong with you psycho, leave me alone”. He then says “oh what, you don’t think I know how to throw down? I just moved to south central from east LA and am the only mexican there (*personal side note, that’s a lie) and I have to fight of all the fucking *enter racial slur here* in order stay alive”. THEN he gets down on the floor of the bus to show me how he beats and stabs people. I’m admittedly a little freaked out by now because I am sitting in the in seat by the window, with nowhere to go…if he wants to stab me, he totally could. So I pull the cord so I can get off 2 stops ahead of where I usually do before he can sit back down. When I get off to look behind me, he is trying to get off too and is yelling after me! So I duck inside of Walgreens, walk down a few isles, and when I see he is out of sight, I dash out the door and down into the subway to catch my train. Whew. Seriously though guys, that was crazy. Good thing I didn’t have my headphones on or he might have followed me without me knowing! I for once actually felt threatened. I mean, come on, the guy was total lunatic! And besides, he was totally wrong, I’m not racist and I don’t only date white guys…I only date Asians 😉

Anyway, I have been trying really hard to stick to my resolutions, but am finding it quite difficult for a few of them Exercising and cutting back on junk food is the top of that list. I can’t do it! I feel like a junkie or something with the way I sneak snacks between my meals and lie to myself like it’s not that many calories or I’ll start again tomorrow, ha-ha! But really, I do need to figure out a way to stop overindulging. Advice from anyone out there will help 😉 Stupid diets. I have however, stuck to 2 very important resolutions. Seeking a healthier state of mind, and working toward the career I would like to have. I have also broken away from feeling like I NEED to be attached to someone, which is a very freeing feeling. I am setting up extension classes for the spring, and for my head, have starting seeing a doc. I am actually thrilled about that, as it is giving me new insight. So wish me luck on that everyone!! 🙂

Well, I know it’s late but, here is to 2013. I hope it brings you all everything you have hoped for and more! I end this with a quote from a musician I enjoy named William Control. This quote meant something totally different last year when I was in a dark place, but now seems a little more inspiring in its meaning to me and my new adventure (whether he intended it or not);

“I woke up in a city unfamiliar, I did so out of fear, on the ground lay my insides. I picked up the courage, determination and forgiveness from that pitiful bloody mess, to find myself and to discover the truth…..”




Posted by on January 15, 2013 in Life


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We Didn’t Need Dialogue, We Had Faces!

Good Morning ladies and germs. I come to you today from the “comfort” of my fiberglass chair, at my work desk. Yes, I am at work…blogging. Our internet is running at the super speed of vintage 1995 and it is taking about 20 minutes to send any kind of email. So, here I sit, typing this out as I wait for another email to load. I swear, all that is missing from this equation is the connection screetch and the “welcome, you’ve got mail” voice blasting through the speakers.


These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Happy, sad, confused…blah blah. For the most part though, all has been well and good. For those of you who have been reading from the first few posts, I am FINALLY moving out of my horrible shit-hole of an apartment, and shuffling on to bigger better things. The cleaning and packing of this crappy apartment seems to be never ending though, and it is driving me to the edge of insanity. I can’t wait to be out of there for good come Friday.

Anyway, that is not what this blog is about today. Today it is about a conversation I had with my sister last night, and our conclusion about how something in our upbringing resulted in terrible personality flaws that myself, as well as my brother and sister, seem to have.

I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but we ended up joking about how many people who are close to us tend to eventually confront us about how negative we are (among other things). It suddenly became very clear that it wasn’t really a joke, it’s a pretty serious problem. Let me tell you how amazed I was that it wasn’t only me who reacts that way to situations that normal people react to in a happy way. We traded stories back and forth and it got kinda sad to me. I told her about a situation where something really great happened to a friend and I, and that person was very excited and hugged me, screaming with joy. What did I do? I got stiff and uncomfortable and downplayed the happiness of the situation like it wasn’t a big deal. My sister, on the other hand, shared a story about reading a letter my niece wrote about being excited about an upcoming trip. She said she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something negative about an otherwise happy situation. I don’t have a specific story about my brother doing this, but trust me, he does a lot as well. And it has nothing to do with jealousy at all, we do it even when something good happens to US.

“oh, you just got the awesome promotion you’ve been waiting for?..psshh, whatever, big deal.”

We kept asking ourselves why we do that. And we contemplated what was missing or broken in our upbringing that causes us to try to negate something happy. Neither of us want to be like that. We both expressed how horrible it is to realize you’re doing this and how it is affecting those around you. We tried to laugh about how when we consciously try to fix it, we feel like we are being overly nice and too fake. I gave her an example of how I question why I am not functioning normal. I will share that with you all too. This has happened on many different occasions, but this is the most recent. It may seem silly, but at the root of it, the realization sucks and sometimes makes me feel incomplete. Here we go:

I was taking a break from cleaning for a minute and popped in the movie the Devils Advocate. As ridiculous as that movie is, I enjoy it. There is a part early in the movie where Keanu Reeve’s character tells his wife (played by Charlize Theron if you haven’t seen it for some reason) good news about winning a case. She screams happily, jumps up and down, jumps on him to hug him and they kinda are just happy in the moment together.

Ok, see this face? I don’t think I’ve ever even ACTED this excited before…

Now, instead of just watching that part like a regular person, I thought, “I wish I could be that excited over something. Why can’t I react that way when something exciting happens to me or someone close to me? I want to be that person and know what that feels like..”. Let me tell you, I have NEVER ONCE, fell that excited over something. Don’t get me wrong, I have been excited over things, but it is a small smile at most and it is usually followed by what could have been better about it, or what can go wrong with it. Let me clarify too that this is not comparing my life to movies. That would be retarded. I have seen my friends react similar to this often. They have even reacted like this to news I have told them about myself, as I stood there kinda smiling awkwardly. So tell me dear readers…what the fuck is wrong here?! Do I need meds (spare me the pharmaceutical conspiracy theories on this please…I don’t believe ’em)?! Am I just hard wired to be miserable like this for ever? I don’t want that! It pushes people away.

We get this from our mom. That much is very obvious. I love my mom very much, But what sadness happened to HER to make her pass this (probably unknowingly) down to us?! I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me as a kid, don’t doubt that. But most of that didn’t begin until around age 8. So when a child’s first memory at 3 years old, is looking in the mirror and hating that reflection and being disappointed that there is nothing special looking back, there has to be something going on with the wiring upstairs.

This is what I imagine my brain doing when I act like this.

So, for the time being, I am going to make a change MYSELF. Hopefully, I can break this ugly habit I’ve been taught to have for 29 years. I felt like I just had to write it to get it off my chest, so excuse th “woe is me” context here. I promise I will go back to my normal blogs soon haha. I am open to opinions and suggestions of course…but know I’ll probably roll my eyes at them and scoff even though I KNOW they are helpful haha.. Jk.
Thanks for reading as always!


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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Life, Uncategorized


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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Hello again internet friends. It has been quite a while since my last post. I cannot even begin to explain the amount of crazy that had piled into my life over the last few weeks. Actually….I COULD, but then I’d just seem whiny and lets just not do that. I will say that these turn of events will definitely make it difficult to see the brighter side of things for a while. But anyway, moving on…

It’s October finally. The air will (hopefully) begin to cool down, Halloween is a few weeks away and, best of all, we’re one month away until elections end and I can finally go online without seeing some stupid comment or photo bashing one side of either political party. I absolutely HATE election year. No matter where you go you can’t escape the b.s. it seems. Even 7-11 has shit. While buying your cheap coffee, you can proudly pick the cup representing your candidate and act like you’re making a difference by doing so. Call me ignorant if you want, although I DO know the issues and who stands for what. I just hate that people treat this as a sporting event and act like trash talk is actually beneficial to the cause of either side. Especially this year. Everyone is so caught up on the hot gossip. “oh my gosh Romney said what?!”, “Obama forgot to address WHO in his speech?!”. Shut the fuck up. I Love you ‘Murica, but lately, you seem collectively stupid.


Speaking of Halloween, I went to a haunted house / maze thing this past Sunday. It is the first of many hopefully, so I want to review it for your convenience. A little back story first. The BFF and I wanted to get out of the house Sunday due to the fact that we usually just slum around and, since it has been a trying few weeks for us both, figured we could use some fun. We had very little money between us both but he found a deal on his phone for unlimited access to 3 mazes for $14 bucks a person. A steal right?!… I don’t know why we didn’t see this one coming. The attraction is called “Paranoia” and is located in the Santa Monica Place mall. I know that should have been a dead give away, but the video made it seem at least somewhat promising. Look!

Well, Let me just say, that I don’t know who set this up, but it looks like it was thrown together by some high school kids. The decorations in all of the mazes are sparse. And when there is something, it is very clearly foam and rubber. The scares come from a few kids dressed in somewhat themed attire according to which maze you’re in. In the “Infirmary” there are patients…kinda…until you somehow end up in a part of a maze that looks like a living room, where there is no one there at all. The “Insomniac Clown Playhouse”…haha, what a joke. I am usually terrified of clowns, but something about the clown at the entrance posing for photos and telling people to add him on Facebook really took the horror out of it. Once inside, there were a few creepy looking clown masks, but once again, the ambiance was ruined by rounding a corner to find the clowns dancing to hip hop. Nothing really scary about that to me for some reason.

NOT scary

I think the biggest scare I got was when we exited the first maze, and one of the security staff, a 60+ year old lady, screamed “boo” completely out of the blue.

Anyway, our next planned haunted attraction stop is Delusion and, if I can muster the courage, Blackout. Both seem terrifying and from the reviews I’ve read, extremely entertaining. We will probably throw a few odd ones in the mix too just to keep it interesting. We’ll see if we can afford it with the move happening at the end of the month and all. Suggestions are welcome! 🙂

Well, Since I’ve wasted enough of your precious moments, I will bid you all adieu.

Until next time kiddies….


Oh P.S.!!!! I saw a 3D movie for the first time since I got new glasses! Holy Shit…go see Dredd 3D…seriously! LMAO.

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Posted by on October 2, 2012 in Life, Reviews & Events, Weekend Adventures


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All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Good evening gentle blog readers. I hope this post finds all of you in a good mood of sorts.

Now, before I begin my rant, I just want to acknowledge that, yes, I know my title is a totally and completely played out quote. So what? It fits the blog subject so goddamn it I’m using it!

Haha, it’s still funny to me, shut up.

Today I was browsing Etsy, one of my very favorite websites to shop for interesting things, when I noticed a weird pattern that made me put the brakes on. A lot of the odds and ends sold there are related to very nerdy things that are somehow super popular these days. At first I was thinking, “well duh, this is an artist website, of course these people are going to be making things like this…they’re nerdy artists like yourself”. But then something occured to me… there are dozens, if not HUNDREDS of websites proudly proclaiming “geekdom” and selling nerd related memorabilia. Also, pseudo-nerd douche bags like Olivia Munn (that’s right bitch, you’re not foolin ME) have been all the rage for a while now. All the shit I used to get made fun of for, teased about and totally shit on because of, are now the COOL things to like. When the fuck did this happen?!

One day Munn and I will cross paths, then we’ll have a wild west style showdown to the death…

I distinctly remember that in middle school, the fact that I liked video games, zombies and manga/anime, was reason enough in those 7th & 8th graders eyes to fucking lynch me! But now those same little bastards that wouldn’t let me have a day of peace back then, are sporting Legend of Zelda t-shirts, Super Mario Bros ringtones, and ranting about the coming zombie apocalypse. And Highschool, ha, don’t get me started about high school. I was already singled out due to being the goth kid, but the fact that I liked things like comics (oh shit, the “C” word), cosplay, and Dragonball Z, were things I knew I had to keep on the hush-hush If I wanted people to maintain distance. The only people that accepted me for liking those things? The kids that hung out in the art room playing Magic the Gathering after school. Though I never played that game ( but only because I didn’t understand the rules and got frustrated with that “tapping” shit), it was nice to not have worry about all of the judging while I was down there.

“NO, you have to TAP your land! TAP IT, TAP IIIITTTTT!!!”

You may be thinking, “geeze Gazzy, maybe it’s a time now when people don’t have to be ashamed of what they like and they don’t have to hide it anymore. You should be glad to see it becoming so popular”. Well you know what I say to you if you’re thinking that?… FUCK you! It is NOT real nerd shit that is popular right now. It is a glammed up, beautified version. If you can’t see that, you deserve to choke on the bullshit the pretty “gamer” girls on G4 are feeding you. Type in “gamer girl” in the image search…how many photos do you have to go through before you find one that looks like she’s ACTUALLY playing the game and not staging the photo? Even harder, how many are of average attractiveness and fully clothed? Let me tell you something, I never have slipped on my cutest victoria secret underwear, put my makeup on perfectly and made sure my hair is just right, for a night of playing Bioshock. More than likely, I will have just stumbled out of bed or plopped down after a long day at work…looking totally disheveled.

More like this, only still probably not as cute



Surprisingly, this isn’t just a male fantasy for girls. When you search for nerdy guys, you come up with things like this:

Ok…NONE of my geeky guy friends look like that!! No insult intended to them, but they just don’t.

It’s goddamn ridiculous that people walk around giggling saying “nerds are hot” or “I’m totally a dork”. You know what, I wish I could grab them and shove their head in the toilet and rip up their anime doodles. Because this is what I had to go through when I even hinted at the fact that I spent my weekend watching Tenchi Muyo and beating Altered Beast for the hundredth time! So fuck you and your re-printed to look vintage Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirts. I wanna kick you until you cry over the Turbo Grafx you bought on ebay to look cool for your hipster friends.

And don’t think we original nerds can’t tell our own kind. When we are out at the conventions and you’re strutting around in the Sailor Moon outfit that cost you $500 dollars, we know you’re not one of us…oh, we know. But hey, to all my nerdy brethren out there that also went through hell for the things you were into, enjoy these moments!!! 🙂


Posted by on August 23, 2012 in Life


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I Open Myself to the Gentle Indifference of the World

*As a disclaimer I should excuse the melancholy mood this entry may try to force upon you. My apologies in advance. However, hopefully you’ll see through that to view the post as what it really is; a physical (if you can call the internet physical) representation of my mental struggle to take stock of my interactions with the people who reside in my surroundings. An outlet so I can maybe shrug it off and get back to my normal, more positive postings.

I am often amazed at what people bring out in me. If you allow your ego to be pushed aside long enough, you can learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes the lessons are good, and you find that you are a stronger person than you thought. Other times it sheds light on the fact that you have a very big weakness that you may want to work on. Unfortunately, after going over recent and past events in my mind, it is the latter I have been stuck thinking about. I’ve realized quite recently that the majority of the individuals I actually consider friends, are allowed in my life because there are elements in them I feel are lacking in myself. It’s something very new that I have never done. Speaking in a broad sense, I tend to dislike being around people who share my same disposition. I am not afraid to acknowledge that I have a strong distaste for myself, so being around people too similar brings out the worst in me. Remember this fact, for it sets the premise for this story and many others.

A few nights ago while talking to a chum of mine, our conversation trailed into the topic of friendships / relationships and thus, took a turn for the serious. I began to feel sad while detailing my past and present situations and I instantly shut down and became quiet (as I tend to do). Instead of pressing me for details and asking me what’s wrong half a dozen times, he took a deep breath and asked me a dangerous question: “Gazzy, can I give you my honest opinion?”…oh shit. Everyone knows that when someone says that to you, it automatically puts you on the defensive. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be analyzed and, this particular friend is a straight shooter. Holds nothing back. I reluctantly agreed, and this is what he said to me…


“Everyone allows the love in their life that they feel they deserve. Not just relationship love, but friendship love too. You hold no value in yourself, so many others, especially those who don’t know you yet, will naturally reflect that back to you. You get used, walked on and taken for granted because YOU allow it. How many times have I seen and heard stories of people fucking you over in major ways, and playing you for a fool? You say you’re going to walk away and not allow that in your life anymore. But almost every time, you let them back in to do it all over again, as long as they spit out a quick apology… whether it is genuine or not. Unless they are the ones to cut you out, you submit to it over and over. From what I see, if someone pays you a compliment, you deny it up and down. But let someone make a negative comment about you, and you regard it as cold hard fact. You need to let the poisonous people go. You trap yourself in this melancholy state because you feel you can’t do better. It’s a vicious cycle. Why do you do that?”

I didn’t have an answer. Millions of scenes from past and current relationships came flooding into my head. It was all true. The people who are locking me in this state, are some of the people I try to hold on to most. Why DO I do that? I told him I didn’t know. Because I didn’t at that moment. Having all this time to think about it, I still don’t know the entire answer, but I think I may have some semblance of an idea.

Aside from a childhood trauma (not fit to blog about) that very obviously plays a large role in making me feel inferior, one of the main reasons I allow this is I am afraid of losing people. Even if they treat me poorly, the thought of being alone terrifies me. Um…helllooo, I wanted to be famous, how is it not obvious that I feel the intense need to be surrounded by people? But still, the scars run much deeper than that. I am normally submissive in a lot of friendships/relationships, because I like making others happy and putting them ahead of myself. But has that trait, coupled with my insecurities, become so over-blown that I am willingly allowing the people I love to fuck me over?! Quite simply…yes. It is a flaw so defined as a part of my character, that I don’t know how to begin to fix it. And if I did, I don’t know who I would be without it. I am determined to find out now though.

If any of my family is reading this, they are staring at the screen with jaws dropped. I am almost positive, that they don’t see me this way. They see me as strong, opinionated and independent. Hey family…I put up a pretty good front don’t I? 😉


Posted by on August 15, 2012 in Life


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Everyone Is Wearing Just A Little Decay

This heat wave is a beast! Sheesh, I don’t know how many times I’ve whined about being hot in the last two days, but I’d probably be rich if I had a nickel for every time I did. My apartment has no temperature control at all, so I had to go and buy a box fan to stick in my window. It actually has helped more than I thought it would, thankfully. I can’t even wear makeup because the second I step away from the fan, it starts to melt off. It’s just absurd. Other than the heat though, I’ve had a great weekend so far.

Last night we went to our usual haunt, Villains Tavern, to have a few drinks and just hang out. We go there often because the decor is great, they have interesting musical acts, they rarely charge at the door, and they have the best drink deal (in my opinion). A beer and a shot for ten bucks. I usually like going there on Sundays or Wednesdays though because, like last night, it’s crowded on the weekends and there’s nowhere to sit.So anyway, while hanging out and having meaningful conversations about such topics as; how girls voices get annoying when they’re drunk, G decides he needs to go to the bathroom. We are both feeling slightly buzzed but not drunk yet (well, I wasn’t he was kinda drunk tee-hee). No sooner does he walk away from me, a guy waltzes up to me. I glance up from my phone for a half a second, mumble a “sorry”, then slide over because I’m thinking he wanted to get to the area behind me. Instead, he follows my steps and when I look up again he grins and says “hey, is that your guy?” (Inquiring about G). I stare blankly for a second, then I say…”why?”

This is probably how I looked when I said it…

His face looked a little shocked and then he put his head down and muttered; “oh, uh, nevermind”. Then he sort of hurried back to his friends. It was at that moment when I realized I am horribly unapproachable. Ha-ha, I should probably work on that!! I’m a social retard. Sorry sir. 😛

Today, I went to the promenade in Santa Monica for a little shopping. I finally got a few new articles of clothing and they all fit amazing…which shocked me to the core! I’m already planning a trip back out this week sometime because there were still a few things I wanted to get. I did purchase a fantastic piece today though…it was the prize of the bunch. My ‘treat” for myself 🙂 I Know, I know, I was just complaining about being hot and I decide to buy a jacket!? But I HAD to get it. First, because it’s Obey…I love Shepard Fairy’s art and am becomng a fan of his women’s line as of late. Secondly, I have to admit, it looked AMAZING when I tried it on. Nothing has ever screamed my style as much as this. I did have to argue with myself a bit over the price tag. But ultimately, I couldn’t live without it. So, C’mon fall I’m waiting!!! 🙂


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Posted by on August 12, 2012 in Weekend Adventures


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We Are Anti-Ignornance

Woah, this week has flown by! I have been a little trapped in my head the past few days and it seems like everything has passed in a blur. My mood has been a little weird. Full of contemplations and trying to figure a few situations out. I’m sure this entry will reflect that.

First, I wanted to share a very interesting insight I had this week thanks to being able to sit in on a meeting for a business a friend of mine owns. While hanging out, one of his business partners called to set up an impromptu meet up. Which, meant I was going to tag a long. What I expected from the meeting was the 3 of them going over plans and numbers…etc..etc. That’s not at all what happened and I left the meeting amazed at these 3 individuals. In short, what the meeting was called for was to basically take inventory about where each others lives were at that point, what was causing obstacles for them, and to give each other ideas as to how they might be able to go about fixing the situation. One guy would take a turn sharing what they felt was a block for them, the other 2 would listen, then offer opinions and ideas as to how that person could fix it or make it better. Now, the thing that amazed me was that they we not blindly just siding with each other and saying “oh yeah man, you’re right that shit sucks.” , like a bunch of yes men. They would take the situation apart and let each other know what THEY may or may not being doing that allows that situation to continue to affect them. This may seem like a simple act to many of you, but sit back and think for a second about how you react when someone offers you a criticism on a stressful situation in your life. Many people erupt because they feel like they are being blamed. I am one of those people. These guys however, took it in stride, let everything sink in, and took EVERY suggestion into consideration. I was blown away. I already had tremendous respect for these guys, but I can say that I respected them even more after that. I believe we can all learn from that, because when given honestly, constructive criticism only helps us grow. So, as as nod to them, please click on the pic below and check out DBR…especially if you are into fashion and music.

On another note, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things with art and music. Trying to sketch more and pen out some music/lyrics. It seems a lot more difficult than in the past though and I’m struggling. A lot of my inspiration seems to have evaporated and I can’t seem to concentrate on those projects long enough to create something of quality. I’m also feeling down about my ability in those areas and that makes me lack motivation. If I could just get the tiniest spark of an idea I know I can run with it. I also think my bleak view is because I don’t have all of the proper tools to do what I would like. Hopefully I can fix that soon. Drawing, writing and recording were my outlet for a lot of things and I can tell I’m sliding back into a negative mindset by not being able to do those things. I need to get a move on so this cloud can pass by me and I can stop being emo. Of course, those are not the only things hammering in my head that bring my mood down, but the others are not fit to post haha!

On the bright side, I experienced my first earthquake since moving out here!  It was an odd feeling and I didn’t know how to react. All I could do is look at my co-workers wide eyed and then, the only word I could think of to say was : “WOAH!”

Hahaha, not my brightest moment, but funny and exciting for me none the less.

Until next time!


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Posted by on August 9, 2012 in Life


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