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“I always dreamed about ruling the world, but now that I’m getting older I’ll settle for Hollywood.”

I know it has been a very long time since I last blogged, so I hope you are all fantastic! Either way, here is my a Tuesday morning rant to get me back into the swing of things.

Over the last few months or so, I have realized (and accepted), that there is no such thing as getting to where you need to be, with honest hard work alone. If there ever was such a concept, it is long dead. Showing up everyday, minding your own business, and getting your job done right is not what it takes to get ahead in a career. You need to be ready to manipulate, side step,  out smart, and out maneuver. You have to be ready to step on toes, climb over others, and leave people behind. Even in the smallest and lowest position, you have to be vicious, conspiring, cold and calculating; ready to turn on people,  or rip out a throat (figuratively of course) at a moments notice if you think for even a second that it can give you the ability to continue your climb to the top.

This part right here...

This part right here…


Those who thrive and are prosperous to the point of being considered top of their game, are there because they beat others out of the running so badly, that they were no longer even considered competition.If you believe otherwise, I commend your hope; but you have blinders on my friend.

I used to believe in honesty. In the ideal that trustworthy, hardworking people are the ones who get the pay off. That people who lie, cheat, and steal to become a leader, will be exposed and will eventually come crashing down. Well…sorry, but that’s not how the world really works…that’s just wishful thinking. My eyes were opened to that quickly. I wish I was taught that earlier on, I probably would have succeeded much sooner. Sadly, I was too worried about hurting someone’s feelings, or making someone look bad. I didn’t want to feel guilty for stealing the spotlight, taking credit where it wasn’t due, or plotting to discredit someone.

A friend told me, that life is like a game of chess. He is 100% right. Every decision should be regarded as
a tactic in order to overtake your opponent and earn your checkmate. That is how I view everything now.

I used to believe that if someone was willing to do all of those unsavory things in order to get what they want, then they can have it. I wasn’t going to fight them for it, and I wasn’t going to stoop to their level.
Know what? That’s ultimately why I struggled so long. Not anymore my dear friends. No, no, not anymore. I’ve learned this world of bait-and switch, and the rules of deceit to progress. I have learned them exceptionally well.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do NOT carry this new belief into my personal life. I won’t steal from or manipulate a friend, and I won’t cheat on a significant other. There is a separation there, and that’s a line I won’t cross because I am loyal, loving, and devoted in that way. But with that said, you all need to comprehend where I stand and how seriously I take my career. That way there is no confusion later. So, a few words of caution:

1. Don’t work against me. If you want to work WITH me or FOR me..awesome. If you want to help me, great! But if I see you as a threat, or see you trying to jockey for position, I will take you out. I promise. Then, we probably won’t be friends anymore.

2. This goes for the friends and acquaintances of people I know as well. You have someone you are friends with who is in direct opposition to my ultimate goal, or has something I want to attain in a business sense? Sorry…I don’t care who they are. I will find a weakness, and exploit it without remorse in order to get what I need. No questions asked. The sooner you understand this, the better. If not, the moment it happens you’ll be upset, then we probably won’t be friends anymore.

3. I will act with tact, respect and come off as coy if needed or if I feel it will serve me well later, especially if that is what gets a person to expose a way in. Otherwise, I will more often than not, be a bitch and “bare my teeth” by being curt, blunt, dismissive, and sometimes arrogant and aggressive. Why? Because that’s how things work. Plus, I don’t have time to pretend if it won’t get me anything in the end. So if it embarrasses you or you don’t like it, keep your distance if it seems like I’m “doing business”…or we probably won’t be friends anymore.

4. If I am hanging out with you or have plans to hang with you, and I suddenly get a call or email that forces me to cut things short, cancel plans, or reschedule; or if I don’t (or forget to) return a call or an email/text…tough shit. For what I am trying to accomplish, I need to act at a moments notice. If I don’t, someone else will, and I can’t have that. So try not to whine about it or take it personally. Otherwise…well, you get the idea.

I am not trying to sound like I don’t care. I really do, and my personal friendships/relationships are important. I just felt like you all needed to be aware of a few of those very important changes in my personality because I received a bullshit remark about it the other day. Yes, I am willingly a Hollywood agent and fucking proud of it. I chose this path. It is what I have always wanted to do. You can call us sharks, vultures, scumbags, scavengers, or glorified used car salesman…go right ahead. If you think that bothers anyone who works in this profession, you’re dead wrong. We’re just gonna laugh…all the way to the bank. And nope, those words will not make us feel bad about ourselves or make us lose sleep. In fact, most of the time, those terms mean we are doing our jobs right, so fire away.

In conclusion, I’m doing what I need to for ME and no one else. My dream is my own, I am not trying to impress anyone with it. If it seems ugly to you, then look away. No one is forcing you to be a spectator, and you sure as fuck aren’t welcome as a commentator. If it seems sleazy, phony, and grimy, I won’t apologize for it. It’s the nature of the beast, so deal with it.

Above all, if I am in your presence and I say or do something while working that seems offensive to you… don’t take it personally baby, it’s just business 😉

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Posted by on May 28, 2013 in career, Life, Uncategorized


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We Didn’t Need Dialogue, We Had Faces!

Good Morning ladies and germs. I come to you today from the “comfort” of my fiberglass chair, at my work desk. Yes, I am at work…blogging. Our internet is running at the super speed of vintage 1995 and it is taking about 20 minutes to send any kind of email. So, here I sit, typing this out as I wait for another email to load. I swear, all that is missing from this equation is the connection screetch and the “welcome, you’ve got mail” voice blasting through the speakers.


These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Happy, sad, confused…blah blah. For the most part though, all has been well and good. For those of you who have been reading from the first few posts, I am FINALLY moving out of my horrible shit-hole of an apartment, and shuffling on to bigger better things. The cleaning and packing of this crappy apartment seems to be never ending though, and it is driving me to the edge of insanity. I can’t wait to be out of there for good come Friday.

Anyway, that is not what this blog is about today. Today it is about a conversation I had with my sister last night, and our conclusion about how something in our upbringing resulted in terrible personality flaws that myself, as well as my brother and sister, seem to have.

I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but we ended up joking about how many people who are close to us tend to eventually confront us about how negative we are (among other things). It suddenly became very clear that it wasn’t really a joke, it’s a pretty serious problem. Let me tell you how amazed I was that it wasn’t only me who reacts that way to situations that normal people react to in a happy way. We traded stories back and forth and it got kinda sad to me. I told her about a situation where something really great happened to a friend and I, and that person was very excited and hugged me, screaming with joy. What did I do? I got stiff and uncomfortable and downplayed the happiness of the situation like it wasn’t a big deal. My sister, on the other hand, shared a story about reading a letter my niece wrote about being excited about an upcoming trip. She said she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something negative about an otherwise happy situation. I don’t have a specific story about my brother doing this, but trust me, he does a lot as well. And it has nothing to do with jealousy at all, we do it even when something good happens to US.

“oh, you just got the awesome promotion you’ve been waiting for?..psshh, whatever, big deal.”

We kept asking ourselves why we do that. And we contemplated what was missing or broken in our upbringing that causes us to try to negate something happy. Neither of us want to be like that. We both expressed how horrible it is to realize you’re doing this and how it is affecting those around you. We tried to laugh about how when we consciously try to fix it, we feel like we are being overly nice and too fake. I gave her an example of how I question why I am not functioning normal. I will share that with you all too. This has happened on many different occasions, but this is the most recent. It may seem silly, but at the root of it, the realization sucks and sometimes makes me feel incomplete. Here we go:

I was taking a break from cleaning for a minute and popped in the movie the Devils Advocate. As ridiculous as that movie is, I enjoy it. There is a part early in the movie where Keanu Reeve’s character tells his wife (played by Charlize Theron if you haven’t seen it for some reason) good news about winning a case. She screams happily, jumps up and down, jumps on him to hug him and they kinda are just happy in the moment together.

Ok, see this face? I don’t think I’ve ever even ACTED this excited before…

Now, instead of just watching that part like a regular person, I thought, “I wish I could be that excited over something. Why can’t I react that way when something exciting happens to me or someone close to me? I want to be that person and know what that feels like..”. Let me tell you, I have NEVER ONCE, fell that excited over something. Don’t get me wrong, I have been excited over things, but it is a small smile at most and it is usually followed by what could have been better about it, or what can go wrong with it. Let me clarify too that this is not comparing my life to movies. That would be retarded. I have seen my friends react similar to this often. They have even reacted like this to news I have told them about myself, as I stood there kinda smiling awkwardly. So tell me dear readers…what the fuck is wrong here?! Do I need meds (spare me the pharmaceutical conspiracy theories on this please…I don’t believe ’em)?! Am I just hard wired to be miserable like this for ever? I don’t want that! It pushes people away.

We get this from our mom. That much is very obvious. I love my mom very much, But what sadness happened to HER to make her pass this (probably unknowingly) down to us?! I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me as a kid, don’t doubt that. But most of that didn’t begin until around age 8. So when a child’s first memory at 3 years old, is looking in the mirror and hating that reflection and being disappointed that there is nothing special looking back, there has to be something going on with the wiring upstairs.

This is what I imagine my brain doing when I act like this.

So, for the time being, I am going to make a change MYSELF. Hopefully, I can break this ugly habit I’ve been taught to have for 29 years. I felt like I just had to write it to get it off my chest, so excuse th “woe is me” context here. I promise I will go back to my normal blogs soon haha. I am open to opinions and suggestions of course…but know I’ll probably roll my eyes at them and scoff even though I KNOW they are helpful haha.. Jk.
Thanks for reading as always!


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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Life, Uncategorized


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