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I Open Myself to the Gentle Indifference of the World

*As a disclaimer I should excuse the melancholy mood this entry may try to force upon you. My apologies in advance. However, hopefully you’ll see through that to view the post as what it really is; a physical (if you can call the internet physical) representation of my mental struggle to take stock of my interactions with the people who reside in my surroundings. An outlet so I can maybe shrug it off and get back to my normal, more positive postings.

I am often amazed at what people bring out in me. If you allow your ego to be pushed aside long enough, you can learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes the lessons are good, and you find that you are a stronger person than you thought. Other times it sheds light on the fact that you have a very big weakness that you may want to work on. Unfortunately, after going over recent and past events in my mind, it is the latter I have been stuck thinking about. I’ve realized quite recently that the majority of the individuals I actually consider friends, are allowed in my life because there are elements in them I feel are lacking in myself. It’s something very new that I have never done. Speaking in a broad sense, I tend to dislike being around people who share my same disposition. I am not afraid to acknowledge that I have a strong distaste for myself, so being around people too similar brings out the worst in me. Remember this fact, for it sets the premise for this story and many others.

A few nights ago while talking to a chum of mine, our conversation trailed into the topic of friendships / relationships and thus, took a turn for the serious. I began to feel sad while detailing my past and present situations and I instantly shut down and became quiet (as I tend to do). Instead of pressing me for details and asking me what’s wrong half a dozen times, he took a deep breath and asked me a dangerous question: “Gazzy, can I give you my honest opinion?”…oh shit. Everyone knows that when someone says that to you, it automatically puts you on the defensive. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be analyzed and, this particular friend is a straight shooter. Holds nothing back. I reluctantly agreed, and this is what he said to me…

*GULP*

“Everyone allows the love in their life that they feel they deserve. Not just relationship love, but friendship love too. You hold no value in yourself, so many others, especially those who don’t know you yet, will naturally reflect that back to you. You get used, walked on and taken for granted because YOU allow it. How many times have I seen and heard stories of people fucking you over in major ways, and playing you for a fool? You say you’re going to walk away and not allow that in your life anymore. But almost every time, you let them back in to do it all over again, as long as they spit out a quick apology… whether it is genuine or not. Unless they are the ones to cut you out, you submit to it over and over. From what I see, if someone pays you a compliment, you deny it up and down. But let someone make a negative comment about you, and you regard it as cold hard fact. You need to let the poisonous people go. You trap yourself in this melancholy state because you feel you can’t do better. It’s a vicious cycle. Why do you do that?”

I didn’t have an answer. Millions of scenes from past and current relationships came flooding into my head. It was all true. The people who are locking me in this state, are some of the people I try to hold on to most. Why DO I do that? I told him I didn’t know. Because I didn’t at that moment. Having all this time to think about it, I still don’t know the entire answer, but I think I may have some semblance of an idea.

Aside from a childhood trauma (not fit to blog about) that very obviously plays a large role in making me feel inferior, one of the main reasons I allow this is I am afraid of losing people. Even if they treat me poorly, the thought of being alone terrifies me. Um…helllooo, I wanted to be famous, how is it not obvious that I feel the intense need to be surrounded by people? But still, the scars run much deeper than that. I am normally submissive in a lot of friendships/relationships, because I like making others happy and putting them ahead of myself. But has that trait, coupled with my insecurities, become so over-blown that I am willingly allowing the people I love to fuck me over?! Quite simply…yes. It is a flaw so defined as a part of my character, that I don’t know how to begin to fix it. And if I did, I don’t know who I would be without it. I am determined to find out now though.

If any of my family is reading this, they are staring at the screen with jaws dropped. I am almost positive, that they don’t see me this way. They see me as strong, opinionated and independent. Hey family…I put up a pretty good front don’t I? 😉

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2012 in Life

 

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Everyone Is Wearing Just A Little Decay

This heat wave is a beast! Sheesh, I don’t know how many times I’ve whined about being hot in the last two days, but I’d probably be rich if I had a nickel for every time I did. My apartment has no temperature control at all, so I had to go and buy a box fan to stick in my window. It actually has helped more than I thought it would, thankfully. I can’t even wear makeup because the second I step away from the fan, it starts to melt off. It’s just absurd. Other than the heat though, I’ve had a great weekend so far.

Last night we went to our usual haunt, Villains Tavern, to have a few drinks and just hang out. We go there often because the decor is great, they have interesting musical acts, they rarely charge at the door, and they have the best drink deal (in my opinion). A beer and a shot for ten bucks. I usually like going there on Sundays or Wednesdays though because, like last night, it’s crowded on the weekends and there’s nowhere to sit.So anyway, while hanging out and having meaningful conversations about such topics as; how girls voices get annoying when they’re drunk, G decides he needs to go to the bathroom. We are both feeling slightly buzzed but not drunk yet (well, I wasn’t he was kinda drunk tee-hee). No sooner does he walk away from me, a guy waltzes up to me. I glance up from my phone for a half a second, mumble a “sorry”, then slide over because I’m thinking he wanted to get to the area behind me. Instead, he follows my steps and when I look up again he grins and says “hey, is that your guy?” (Inquiring about G). I stare blankly for a second, then I say…”why?”

This is probably how I looked when I said it…

His face looked a little shocked and then he put his head down and muttered; “oh, uh, nevermind”. Then he sort of hurried back to his friends. It was at that moment when I realized I am horribly unapproachable. Ha-ha, I should probably work on that!! I’m a social retard. Sorry sir. 😛

Today, I went to the promenade in Santa Monica for a little shopping. I finally got a few new articles of clothing and they all fit amazing…which shocked me to the core! I’m already planning a trip back out this week sometime because there were still a few things I wanted to get. I did purchase a fantastic piece today though…it was the prize of the bunch. My ‘treat” for myself 🙂 I Know, I know, I was just complaining about being hot and I decide to buy a jacket!? But I HAD to get it. First, because it’s Obey…I love Shepard Fairy’s art and am becomng a fan of his women’s line as of late. Secondly, I have to admit, it looked AMAZING when I tried it on. Nothing has ever screamed my style as much as this. I did have to argue with myself a bit over the price tag. But ultimately, I couldn’t live without it. So, C’mon fall I’m waiting!!! 🙂

~Gazzy

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2012 in Weekend Adventures

 

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We Are Anti-Ignornance

Woah, this week has flown by! I have been a little trapped in my head the past few days and it seems like everything has passed in a blur. My mood has been a little weird. Full of contemplations and trying to figure a few situations out. I’m sure this entry will reflect that.

First, I wanted to share a very interesting insight I had this week thanks to being able to sit in on a meeting for a business a friend of mine owns. While hanging out, one of his business partners called to set up an impromptu meet up. Which, meant I was going to tag a long. What I expected from the meeting was the 3 of them going over plans and numbers…etc..etc. That’s not at all what happened and I left the meeting amazed at these 3 individuals. In short, what the meeting was called for was to basically take inventory about where each others lives were at that point, what was causing obstacles for them, and to give each other ideas as to how they might be able to go about fixing the situation. One guy would take a turn sharing what they felt was a block for them, the other 2 would listen, then offer opinions and ideas as to how that person could fix it or make it better. Now, the thing that amazed me was that they we not blindly just siding with each other and saying “oh yeah man, you’re right that shit sucks.” , like a bunch of yes men. They would take the situation apart and let each other know what THEY may or may not being doing that allows that situation to continue to affect them. This may seem like a simple act to many of you, but sit back and think for a second about how you react when someone offers you a criticism on a stressful situation in your life. Many people erupt because they feel like they are being blamed. I am one of those people. These guys however, took it in stride, let everything sink in, and took EVERY suggestion into consideration. I was blown away. I already had tremendous respect for these guys, but I can say that I respected them even more after that. I believe we can all learn from that, because when given honestly, constructive criticism only helps us grow. So, as as nod to them, please click on the pic below and check out DBR…especially if you are into fashion and music.

On another note, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things with art and music. Trying to sketch more and pen out some music/lyrics. It seems a lot more difficult than in the past though and I’m struggling. A lot of my inspiration seems to have evaporated and I can’t seem to concentrate on those projects long enough to create something of quality. I’m also feeling down about my ability in those areas and that makes me lack motivation. If I could just get the tiniest spark of an idea I know I can run with it. I also think my bleak view is because I don’t have all of the proper tools to do what I would like. Hopefully I can fix that soon. Drawing, writing and recording were my outlet for a lot of things and I can tell I’m sliding back into a negative mindset by not being able to do those things. I need to get a move on so this cloud can pass by me and I can stop being emo. Of course, those are not the only things hammering in my head that bring my mood down, but the others are not fit to post haha!

On the bright side, I experienced my first earthquake since moving out here!  It was an odd feeling and I didn’t know how to react. All I could do is look at my co-workers wide eyed and then, the only word I could think of to say was : “WOAH!”

Hahaha, not my brightest moment, but funny and exciting for me none the less.

Until next time!

Gazzy

 
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Posted by on August 9, 2012 in Life

 

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Total Recall: A Review (Kinda)

* WARNING – This post contains spoilers. So if you plan on watching the movie, don’t read any further (though, it may save you some time…)!

Okay, so many of you know I really wasn’t happy that they were remaking this movie. As a matter of fact, I was adamantly against even seeing this movie. But, G wanted to do something last night and, like we do many other Sundays, we decided on the Drive-in. We had seen DKR already and were not up for Ice Age so…Total Recall it was.

I don’t own this image…all rights reserved…blah blah blah

So, even though I wasn’t excited to watch this, I decided to sit back and try to enjoy it. I mean honestly it usually doesn’t matter what I’m watching there, I ALWAYS like going to the drive-in. I also decided to view the movie and review it objectively. Here it goes:

First, I have to give praise to the setting. I really love the atmosphere of the city. I love the vibe of movies like Blade Runner, and this kinda lent a bit of that feeling to it.

That’s where my praise ends. There are SO many elements missing from this movie that I was appalled.

First – They didn’t even really begin to implant the memories at Recall. In the original, them doing so gave a bit more credibility to the fact that, hey, maybe it IS all in his head.

Second – They took away the martian landscape. WTF?!  That was the WHOLE POINT of the story…

Third – The awesome scene where he was dressed up as a fat lady at the airport…nope. They have a lady say the lines, but it’s just a distraction as he is just disguised as someone else. Not even really in a cool way.

Fourth – No Johnny Cab…boo.

Fifth (and most important in my eyes) – The resistance is not martians/mutants, their fight didn’t really seem as dire as in the original (you know for something like air! Which, in this one, there is already an atmosphere on mars apparently)…and worst of all THERE IS NO KUATO. Whyyyyyyyyy?!

They left all of that super important information out but kept the prostitute with the 3 boobs. Good Job Sony Pictures 😛

I give this 2 thumbs way down. Even more disappointing than expected. But then again hey, Kate Beckinsale…

YESSSSSSSS!!!!

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2012 in Reviews & Events

 

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What Happens Tonight, Will Haunt You Forever

Good evening everyone. I just arrived back home from a rehearsal session with a friend. I am laying a bass track down for an electronic music project he’s working on. On the way home we passed the Whisky A Go-Go and it made be begin to reminisce about how fun it was to play there with my old band, Valet Park This.

I remember the first time in particular because it was the first time I had ever stepped foot in Los Angeles. I remember the excitement I felt when we drove by and saw our name on the marquee. I couldn’t believe it. When I was trying to book shows for our small tour, my ex-best friend suggested the Whisky because most, if not all, of the bands we admire played that are one time or another. I never in a million years thought they would call us back to book. I was ECSTATIC when I got that phone call.

The show that night was amazing. I fully believe that, this was our best performance of all the shows we played ( a very close second is the show we played at The Gothic in Denver). I had always felt a connection with Los Angeles my entire life, but that is the night I truly fell in love with the city and knew I needed to live here. But that’s another story completely so back to the matter at hand…

The show at the Whisky was the second to last of our very turbulent tour. We went through a lot in that short time but in hindsight, it was the beginning of a huge gain of momentum. We started to gather a lot of attention both in the US and internationally (we were interview by a UK magazine shortly after). We were gaining experience, credibility and were writing better than ever after that. I remember we had a whole new vision. We began to go from a silly, kinda cutely metal girl band, to something more amazing and brutal. We got home with a renewed energy. We played there 3 times in just a few months. It was so inspiring.

Then we got home and shortly after, every thing collapsed. Petty in-fighting began to tear us apart at the height of everything and, once we lost Mckenna, we didn’t recover. VPT was gone right at the time when everyone was looking to us to make it. Before we broke up, we recorded 2 of the new songs we were going to add to the new album.

When I look back now, there are so many ways we could have over-come these childish differences and made a big mark. I miss playing and performing with these ladies immensely. We all were different and had our own style, but that only added to our unique sound and drew a varied crowd. Bunny (VO.) was the visually striking, trendy one, Kayla (Guitar) was the vegan hipster (and i mean that in the best possible way), Dthia (Drums) was the through-and-through metal chick, Mckenna (Keys) was the naturally pretty one, and I, Gazzy(Bass), was the horror punk of the group. We appealed to such a wide array, that if we concentrated on writing, getting better and put aside our pointless differences, we could have ruled the world (figuratively of course). I still drop hints to this day that we should put something together…like a reunion of some sort. Even if it’s for one show. Our time may have already passed, but who knows!

So Ladies I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for some of my favorite memories. I love you all. And hey think about that reunion shit! lol.

VPT FOREVER BITCH!

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2012 in Life

 

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With Sparkling Eyes…

It’s finally Friday! Blog therapy time. Nothing better than to go over this weeks events and laugh. First, my Job.

Let me explain a little about the people at my job. We are an extremely varied group of people. We all are VERY different from each other, but for the most part, we all get along. All of us that is, except the one we will call “Ms. Schrute”. You see, Ms. Schrute is not your average everyday nuisance that every company has…oh no. She goes out of her way to butt into conversation, break up ANY shred of fun, intervene where she’s not needed in order to brown nose, and most of all, blow every goddamn situation out of proportion. EVERY situation. The one example I am going to share with you is only the latest. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep it short. Here we go, *ahem*… what some of you may not know, is our company deals with very wealthy, sometimes high profile (and high maintenance) customers. On this specific occasion, there was a mis-communication about a return that the customer wanted to make. So of course, being high maintenance, they write a very long-winded and exaggerated email about how, having misunderstood the email exchange between us, had to cancel a dinner party with family in order to “rush” back to UPS before they closed to pick something up that they were not supposed to pack. Thus, causing a blow out fight with their boyfriend. Now, any normal person reading the email would think, “gee, this person just wanted to vent about how upset they were” and write an apology. Done right? Nope. Not when Ms. Schrute decided to go snooping through emails. She panics and decides to inform our general manager. She, is at a different location and in now way needs to be bothered with something that can be this easily handled. She proceeds to tell her that the confusion “forced the customer to make an EMERGENCY trip back to UPS and caused them great distress” and insists we refund their shipping cost (like 40 bucks on a $400 dollar order). After she gets the reluctant go-ahead, we inform the customer of this amazing service we just did. You know what they said? “I appreciate the apology. Thank you.” * sigh….wow.

Moving along…I am trying to use this Pimsleur language program I got a week or so ago to learn to speak Korean. It’s not going so well. Holy SHIT, the pronunciation is killing me. I can’t get it for the life of me. When I try, I just sound like I’m a drunk asshole who’s sloppily trying to hit on a cute asian chick. Ugh, I need help.

Anyhooo, I was researching my dream vacation to Bali for lunch today, trying to squeeze out a drop of hope that I would be able to plan a trip sometime in the next year. It’s totally not going to happen, but as I was searching I came across these pictures of a resort in Maldives: 

I think I’ve changed my mind about Bali being my dream “exotic” destination. This is too amazing. I just need someone to go with now!

~Gazzy

CAAAAAANNNNDDDYYYY

 
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Posted by on August 3, 2012 in Friday Rants

 

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Red Eyed

This misadventure with my apartment is becoming a bit more than I can handle. Yeah, I was aware that the neighborhood I moved into wasn’t the greatest when I decided to rent the place, but this is just getting ridiculous. The building seems to be getting worse by the millisecond. And, to top it all off, I was rudely awoken at nearly 1am to someone trying to open my door! I sat up in bed because I heard the doorknob jiggling. I paused, half asleep for a minute before I realized what was happening. I jumped out of bed screaming “who the fuck is there, I’m calling the cops”. Then they were gone. I really couldn’t sleep much after that. I should probably invest in weaponry of some sort.

Something like this perhaps?

I only have 3 more months and I can finally move on up in the world with a better apartment. Thank goodness.

Speaking of moving on up, I am finally closer to being able to overhaul my wardrobe! This battle between Los Angeles and I has been a hard one, but she is finally relenting (a little) and I am able to start the road of restructuring myself. I feel like I’m a new me in the old me’s shell. Ahh, I can’t wait. I’ve been perusing a few websites to find the looks I want to get. There are so many varying styles it’s hard to decide. I saw this one today though, and LOVE it. Adorable.Whelp, back to work for the time being. Must deal with my company’s version of Dwight Schrute so, gotta put my game face on.
Deuces!

Gazzy

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2012 in Life

 

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