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We Didn’t Need Dialogue, We Had Faces!

Good Morning ladies and germs. I come to you today from the “comfort” of my fiberglass chair, at my work desk. Yes, I am at work…blogging. Our internet is running at the super speed of vintage 1995 and it is taking about 20 minutes to send any kind of email. So, here I sit, typing this out as I wait for another email to load. I swear, all that is missing from this equation is the connection screetch and the “welcome, you’ve got mail” voice blasting through the speakers.

SCRRRRREEEEECCCHHHHH…..

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Happy, sad, confused…blah blah. For the most part though, all has been well and good. For those of you who have been reading from the first few posts, I am FINALLY moving out of my horrible shit-hole of an apartment, and shuffling on to bigger better things. The cleaning and packing of this crappy apartment seems to be never ending though, and it is driving me to the edge of insanity. I can’t wait to be out of there for good come Friday.

Anyway, that is not what this blog is about today. Today it is about a conversation I had with my sister last night, and our conclusion about how something in our upbringing resulted in terrible personality flaws that myself, as well as my brother and sister, seem to have.

I don’t remember how the conversation came up, but we ended up joking about how many people who are close to us tend to eventually confront us about how negative we are (among other things). It suddenly became very clear that it wasn’t really a joke, it’s a pretty serious problem. Let me tell you how amazed I was that it wasn’t only me who reacts that way to situations that normal people react to in a happy way. We traded stories back and forth and it got kinda sad to me. I told her about a situation where something really great happened to a friend and I, and that person was very excited and hugged me, screaming with joy. What did I do? I got stiff and uncomfortable and downplayed the happiness of the situation like it wasn’t a big deal. My sister, on the other hand, shared a story about reading a letter my niece wrote about being excited about an upcoming trip. She said she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something negative about an otherwise happy situation. I don’t have a specific story about my brother doing this, but trust me, he does a lot as well. And it has nothing to do with jealousy at all, we do it even when something good happens to US.

“oh, you just got the awesome promotion you’ve been waiting for?..psshh, whatever, big deal.”

We kept asking ourselves why we do that. And we contemplated what was missing or broken in our upbringing that causes us to try to negate something happy. Neither of us want to be like that. We both expressed how horrible it is to realize you’re doing this and how it is affecting those around you. We tried to laugh about how when we consciously try to fix it, we feel like we are being overly nice and too fake. I gave her an example of how I question why I am not functioning normal. I will share that with you all too. This has happened on many different occasions, but this is the most recent. It may seem silly, but at the root of it, the realization sucks and sometimes makes me feel incomplete. Here we go:

I was taking a break from cleaning for a minute and popped in the movie the Devils Advocate. As ridiculous as that movie is, I enjoy it. There is a part early in the movie where Keanu Reeve’s character tells his wife (played by Charlize Theron if you haven’t seen it for some reason) good news about winning a case. She screams happily, jumps up and down, jumps on him to hug him and they kinda are just happy in the moment together.

Ok, see this face? I don’t think I’ve ever even ACTED this excited before…

Now, instead of just watching that part like a regular person, I thought, “I wish I could be that excited over something. Why can’t I react that way when something exciting happens to me or someone close to me? I want to be that person and know what that feels like..”. Let me tell you, I have NEVER ONCE, fell that excited over something. Don’t get me wrong, I have been excited over things, but it is a small smile at most and it is usually followed by what could have been better about it, or what can go wrong with it. Let me clarify too that this is not comparing my life to movies. That would be retarded. I have seen my friends react similar to this often. They have even reacted like this to news I have told them about myself, as I stood there kinda smiling awkwardly. So tell me dear readers…what the fuck is wrong here?! Do I need meds (spare me the pharmaceutical conspiracy theories on this please…I don’t believe ’em)?! Am I just hard wired to be miserable like this for ever? I don’t want that! It pushes people away.

We get this from our mom. That much is very obvious. I love my mom very much, But what sadness happened to HER to make her pass this (probably unknowingly) down to us?! I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me as a kid, don’t doubt that. But most of that didn’t begin until around age 8. So when a child’s first memory at 3 years old, is looking in the mirror and hating that reflection and being disappointed that there is nothing special looking back, there has to be something going on with the wiring upstairs.

This is what I imagine my brain doing when I act like this.

So, for the time being, I am going to make a change MYSELF. Hopefully, I can break this ugly habit I’ve been taught to have for 29 years. I felt like I just had to write it to get it off my chest, so excuse th “woe is me” context here. I promise I will go back to my normal blogs soon haha. I am open to opinions and suggestions of course…but know I’ll probably roll my eyes at them and scoff even though I KNOW they are helpful haha.. Jk.
Thanks for reading as always!

Gazzy

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Life, Uncategorized

 

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I Open Myself to the Gentle Indifference of the World

*As a disclaimer I should excuse the melancholy mood this entry may try to force upon you. My apologies in advance. However, hopefully you’ll see through that to view the post as what it really is; a physical (if you can call the internet physical) representation of my mental struggle to take stock of my interactions with the people who reside in my surroundings. An outlet so I can maybe shrug it off and get back to my normal, more positive postings.

I am often amazed at what people bring out in me. If you allow your ego to be pushed aside long enough, you can learn a lot about yourself. Sometimes the lessons are good, and you find that you are a stronger person than you thought. Other times it sheds light on the fact that you have a very big weakness that you may want to work on. Unfortunately, after going over recent and past events in my mind, it is the latter I have been stuck thinking about. I’ve realized quite recently that the majority of the individuals I actually consider friends, are allowed in my life because there are elements in them I feel are lacking in myself. It’s something very new that I have never done. Speaking in a broad sense, I tend to dislike being around people who share my same disposition. I am not afraid to acknowledge that I have a strong distaste for myself, so being around people too similar brings out the worst in me. Remember this fact, for it sets the premise for this story and many others.

A few nights ago while talking to a chum of mine, our conversation trailed into the topic of friendships / relationships and thus, took a turn for the serious. I began to feel sad while detailing my past and present situations and I instantly shut down and became quiet (as I tend to do). Instead of pressing me for details and asking me what’s wrong half a dozen times, he took a deep breath and asked me a dangerous question: “Gazzy, can I give you my honest opinion?”…oh shit. Everyone knows that when someone says that to you, it automatically puts you on the defensive. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be analyzed and, this particular friend is a straight shooter. Holds nothing back. I reluctantly agreed, and this is what he said to me…

*GULP*

“Everyone allows the love in their life that they feel they deserve. Not just relationship love, but friendship love too. You hold no value in yourself, so many others, especially those who don’t know you yet, will naturally reflect that back to you. You get used, walked on and taken for granted because YOU allow it. How many times have I seen and heard stories of people fucking you over in major ways, and playing you for a fool? You say you’re going to walk away and not allow that in your life anymore. But almost every time, you let them back in to do it all over again, as long as they spit out a quick apology… whether it is genuine or not. Unless they are the ones to cut you out, you submit to it over and over. From what I see, if someone pays you a compliment, you deny it up and down. But let someone make a negative comment about you, and you regard it as cold hard fact. You need to let the poisonous people go. You trap yourself in this melancholy state because you feel you can’t do better. It’s a vicious cycle. Why do you do that?”

I didn’t have an answer. Millions of scenes from past and current relationships came flooding into my head. It was all true. The people who are locking me in this state, are some of the people I try to hold on to most. Why DO I do that? I told him I didn’t know. Because I didn’t at that moment. Having all this time to think about it, I still don’t know the entire answer, but I think I may have some semblance of an idea.

Aside from a childhood trauma (not fit to blog about) that very obviously plays a large role in making me feel inferior, one of the main reasons I allow this is I am afraid of losing people. Even if they treat me poorly, the thought of being alone terrifies me. Um…helllooo, I wanted to be famous, how is it not obvious that I feel the intense need to be surrounded by people? But still, the scars run much deeper than that. I am normally submissive in a lot of friendships/relationships, because I like making others happy and putting them ahead of myself. But has that trait, coupled with my insecurities, become so over-blown that I am willingly allowing the people I love to fuck me over?! Quite simply…yes. It is a flaw so defined as a part of my character, that I don’t know how to begin to fix it. And if I did, I don’t know who I would be without it. I am determined to find out now though.

If any of my family is reading this, they are staring at the screen with jaws dropped. I am almost positive, that they don’t see me this way. They see me as strong, opinionated and independent. Hey family…I put up a pretty good front don’t I? 😉

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2012 in Life

 

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